Kiki and Sassy pick a side
Sometimes there's no more important decision to make than which team to cheer for in a Grand Final. And by 'sometimes', we mean always. That's why you're lucky we've decided to tell you exactly who that should be.
It's on, kittens. Less than a week until the NRL Grand Final. The two finalists have been decided, the dramatic judiciary decisions are over, our best new-age psychically attuned friend has done a grand final Tarot reading, and we're stocking up on onions, margarine, Sunblest and sausages for the day.
Let's meet the contenders, shall we?
In the blue and gold corner, the Parramatta Eels. Their win over the Bulldogs at the weekend was nothing if not gritty and dramatic and exhausting. Apparently when the teams from Sydney's west play, they don't do anything by halves. Think tearful goodbyes to the beautiful and gentlemanly Hazem El Masri, one knock out and two other possible concussions, attempted punches, bung shoulders, painkilling injections, knees to the head, and a valiant half-back with a broken face.
The two teams' supporters damn well don't do anything by halves, either. The gaping soulless cavern that is ANZ Stadium was packed with more than 75,000 fans. It actually had ... atmosphere. We were shocked and amazed.
That thing FELT like a Grand Final.
Evidently Luke 'the General' Patten from the dogs agrees, because after he was knocked out by a stray knee, apparently he was outraged in the sheds, demanding to run back on the field to help his boys win the Grand Final. I DON'T WANT TO MISS OUT ON THIS GUYZ.
The entire experience was overwhelming enough to make Sassy utter her most hated phrase: "It doesn't matter who wins, it's just a great day for rugby league".
Sadly for the General and the dogs, the result was a victory for timing over consistency. The Bulldogs lost the minor premiership this year to the St George Dragons - also known as cruel fate - despite playing like serious contenders for almost every single round. Ultimately, they were bested from the finals by a team who played like a team of bumbling ducks with broken legs for about half the season, then like blue-and-gold dynamos for nine of their last ten games.
And despite the fact that we loathe the phrase 'the Hayne Train', how can we not barrack for the team that filled half of ANZ for one of the best games of the season? To all the killjoys who love to announce that "league is dying in Sydney" at regular intervals ... we respectfully give you the forks. Rugby league lives!
Hazem el Masri said it perfectly when he farewelled his fans and thanked "God, for the chance to play this beautiful game". Excuse us while our hearts simultaneously sing and break.
And over in the purple corner of darkness and calculated evil, we have the Melbourne Storm. Let's be frank: as NSW girls born and bred, we feel nothing but distaste and suspicion for Queensland State of Origin players. And if there is any place where you're guaranteed to find hoardes of the unsettling freaks, it's in the ranks of the Brisbane Broncos and the Melbourne Storm. Dirty Queenslanders! Sir, they're everywhere!
So watching the Storm and the Broncos play off for the second spot in the Grand Final was, to paraphrase Kiki, like trying to enjoy a boxing match between Stalin and Hitler. (To the boys no those teams, please try not to be offended by comparisons to dictators. As individuals we're sure you're lovely. People keep sending us outraged emails telling us so, and we are certain they are right).
The only thing that made Sassy cheer for the Storm via twitter - because she was attending a wedding - was the sheer brilliance of Billy Slater. Not only does he have skin to die for, and one of the most endearing how-I-met-my-lady stories we've heard (they met at Pony Club) ... Billy also has freakish footballing gifts from the heaven. His chip and chase try was our kind of poetry.
And while Billy might be a high-drama player, the choice between the two teams is really a choice between consistency and timing again. Billy and the Storm have played in the last three Grand Finals, and won one, too. They've been almost unstoppable. Like footy-playing robots. Or the guys from Globo Gym.
But Parra haven't been this close since 2001. They haven't taken home a premiership since the 80s. They've played some shocking games. Not to mention that the club's management was involved in a Chinese food-related voting scandal, of all things. CHINESE FOOD AND ELECTORAL FRAUD.
It would be too utterly miraculous if the Parramatta boys could take home the trophy; a bit like when Sassy's beloved Roosters won 10 in a row to take out the 2002 premiership. Think of it as a victory for those of us who are talented, but inconsistent (like we are). A victory for redeeming yourself. A victory for a Sydney team over Queenslanders. Now go put on your blue and gold and we'll see you on the weekend.
Kiki and Sassy xoxo
Fast Fact
While women’s test matches are played over four days rather than the standard five, they can still manage the same number of overs as men ...
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I love your analysis -- so very scientific!
And I'm with you re supporting (I almost said 'rooting for' -- I'm American, give me a break!) the Eels. They're my second-favorite team. Haynsey is amazing.
But you didn't even mention Hindmarsh! Hayne is a freak, but it's Hindmarsh who makes the Eels lovable. And he deserves to win a GF. And he's NSW, so I'm surprised you overlooked him.
Hey -- you didn't even mention Daniel Mortimer, either. And he's such an adorable little puppy.
It's true we are Hindy freaks! Hayne is already a lock for the Kangaroos squad when they play the four-nations, but depending on how he plays Hindy might be there too. I hope he didn't feel left out. WE LOVE YOU HINDY.
All we really have to say about Dan Mortimer is WE WROTE ABOUT HIM BACK IN 2008 PEOPLE. BACK IN TOYOTA CUP. Yes, yes, we are pretty much football oracles. NRL talents scouts you are welcome.
Parra fan. Still in shock. Can't comprehend.
Oh yes, agree with you for all those reasons.
AND: if you've ever seen a Nathan Hindmarsh interview on the Footy Show, you could not fail to be impressed! The way he sets Fui Fui Moi Moi up for ridicule every time - just adorable! And FFMM is completely brilliant at lapping it all up.
Sigh.. hate it when footy season is nearly over.
Hindy on the Footy Show! Oh yes!
The clips of those interviews are a big part of why I'm such a Hindy fan! ("Is it true that Fuifui Moimoi translates to 'female donkey?'")
That, and an interview on Big Pond where they asked him if he was on his own fantasy league team. LOL that he got indignant -- "Mate, I CAPTAIN my fantasy league team!"
Stuff like that on top of the way he plays = bad case of Hindy Love.
GO MELBOURNE STORM!
I find it kinda ironic how Billy Slater plays full back and still scores heaps of tries. Still, not complaining coz hes awesome!
...boxing match between Stalin v Hitler HILARIOUS! That game did feel a bit like SOO IV QLD vs ... As a Storm girl through and through, living on the Goldie (where it's crime not to back the Titans!) even I can't help wanting to see Parra get up on Sunday! Bad case of Hindy love too! Don't know whats worse seeing Coops cry or Hindy cry...both would break my heart.
Damn, how Hayne got off amazes me still. I'm sure if he got drunk this week, assaulted 5 patrons, glassed his girlfriend & then drove home being nabbed by 15 booze buses, Gallop would still let him play.
Why?? Coz I smell a fix after Sunday's verdict not to suspend him.
Makes me think the Johns boys are on the tribunal board.
GO STORM!!
Meeeeeellllbiiiinnn!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meh meh meh
Mellllbiiiiin!!!!!!
GO THE STORM